Vikingman Triathlon - aka - Adjusting my attitude

My 29 years on this earth have taught me a lot. I have created thought processes and habits that are difficult to undo. I have expectations that are hard to unravel. I have demands that can be impossible to meet - even for me.

Bottom line = I'm hard on myself.

It was about mile 28 on the bike yesterday that I finally got that long awaited tailwind. I had battled 24 miles of a headwind, 3 or 4 of a crosswind, and finally... finally... that tailwind! It was a beautiful moment. I had hope. Life was great. Oh, and that 20 mph wind wasn't keeping me cold anymore. Working with the wind is like stepping into a warm room. Ahhh, I do have toes!!! I just can't feel them all the way yet.

Anyhow, it was about this point when I was dethawing, that I heard the dreaded pop in my knee. My IT band did this last year - and it was a tear. "NO!!!" The pain didn't immediately come, so I thought it might have just been my joint, and that I'd be fine. Well the pain did come... it just took a while for my body to register it from all the other pains that I was experiencing. When I realized that I was really in for it, I had a decision to make. I will tell you that it was one of the hardest in my lifetime. (I know it's lame to have this be counted among one of my hardest decisions - but that's how crazy I am about not quitting). I decided that my mind alone could not be trusted, and that I needed to ask help from Heavenly Father in what I should do. I knew that if the decision was mine - I'd repeat Spudman, and not quit (even if it meant driving my knee straight into the ground). I didn't want to be stupid, and I made Jaren a promise this year that I wouldn't hurt myself. So I had to pray. As soon as I asked, I got the most overwhelming answer that I was done. However, it was NOT a relief. I knew that I was not to be trusted with this answer, so I prayed for the courage that I would need to be able to quit.

You see, I know that I am prideful, and that is why I will kill myself to finish a race. Pride. Ego. Stupidity.

I had to bike until mile 35 with one leg. Thank goodness that we practiced one legged drills a lot in cycle camp! When I pulled off at the stop, I was so tempted to just ask for some Tylenol, and keep going - but I asked Heavenly Father for help again, and I said it, "call my husband please."

The tears came, as a dream was lost. My pride fell, and the rest of the day would be spent questioning my decision. Was I a quitter? Could I have pushed through the pain? Did I just not train enough? Was my body built for this? The self doubt was the worst part. As soon as I made the decision I wished that I hadn't. I wished that I could get back on that bike and grind my knee into the ground trying.

I went to bed that night hoping that rest would provide clarity in the morning.

I woke up, and wasn't able to go to church - too much pain. Physical and emotional. Back to sleep.

When I woke up again, my knee was feeling surprisingly good. That led to a bit more self doubt - saying "see you could have finished!" That was countered by some sense of reason in my head (most likely the Spirit), that said, "Silly, it feels better because you didn't finish!" Which when I thought about it - gave me hope. I have one last half ironman option this year - August 9th - the Utah Half. I'm already signed up for it. It could be that Heavenly Father told me to stop - so that I could do the necessary rehab to make in on August 9th. Maybe. Or maybe my body won't heal the way it needs to, and I'm just done for the year.

Either way, I know that I need to work on my attitude. I am always telling my clients at work, my friends and family, and all of my training buddies to be gentle with themselves. I'm more forgiving and gentle with everything and everyone else. Why can't I just be nice to me? What is the deal?

So in an effort to keep my promise to Summer (to find my sprinkles of the race) and to not be a negative Nancy, here are some of the great things I'm proud of:

#1- According to the results I was the fourth female out of the water. :) Jaren was counting, and well... he was right! I was kicking butt at this point!

#2 - I made my goal of getting to the tailwind. The headwind was brutal, and lots of people quit just because it was so dang cold (they were probably the only sane people there!).

#3 - I passed some guys on really really really nice tri bikes... ya know... like Cervelos. Yes! And I passed them only going 11- 12 miles an hour! Ha! That tell you how bad the wind was?

#4 - Even though the water (and air) was freezing, and the conditions were terrible, my mindset was totally improved from St. George. I was in a great mood in the water, and I was having fun swimming vertically. (Wind created waves in a river! And of course it was a headwind!)

#5 - I can walk today! .... sorta.

# 6 - I supported my friend Jenny through the rest of her race, and watched her achieve one of my biggest dreams. I could have easily just sat in the car and waited it out - but she needed someone to cheer her on. And so I hobbled my little butt to the finish line to scream my guts out for her!

The last one is the most important. That is this - I put an answer from the Lord above my ego. And although, the thoughts in my brain wont stop calling me a quitter and a loser - I know that stopping was harder for me than finishing would have been. I can take the physical pain so much easier than that.

Now, if I can just get control of my thoughts - and tell them to shut up (because I know they are stupid thoughts) ... I'll be just fine!