Jameson

This is my nephew Jameson.

I am writing this for my posterity, for my friends and family - anyone that is suffering - either from having thoughts of hurting yourself, or from surviving someone that has.

Jameson, joined my niece, Marrissa on June 3rd, 2011.  He took his life in the same way that his sister did 8 years ago.  And once again, I am left pondering the unanswerable "whys".

I grieve for my sister and her loss.  I didn't even come close to comprehending what she went through when Marrissa died.  At that point, I was too young and immature (or possibly, just not having had the experience of being a mother) to understand what she was going through.  I could really only internalize the grief as MY loss.  What it meant to lose MY niece.  This time around, I am struggling to connect with my own loss, because I just cannot fathom what my sister and her family are having to endure - and I'm still left feeling like I probably have no clue what it is that they are going through.  I have exactly two children at this point in my life.  It would be like both of them leaving.  I just can't bare the thought without my heart breaking for her.

I was present for Jameson's birth.  I was in high school, and thinking I wanted to be a Dr. at that point...  My sister decided to have Jameson at home, and was kind enough to allow me to be there.  I think she got a little more than she bargained for... because BOY WAS I THERE!  I was an active participant in that delivery, and it changed me for good.

In some full circle kind of moment, my sister asked me to speak at the funeral... and I got to stand as a witness of his life.  I am grateful for her allowing me to be a voice of the family memories of Jameson.  It will always be a special and sacred moment for me.

***
The problem with suicide is that it leaves so many victims.  It hurts so many people for so long.  Often times people's hurt goes far beyond what anyone is ever aware of.  You don't have to be a direct family member to have your world rocked by this kind of an event.  It changes you.  And if it is someone in your immediate family... well I can only imagine the pain is that much greater.
And there's the problem.  For years I have witnessed the struggles of my nieces and nephews with the loss of their sister.  I have stood by, hoping to help when anyone needed it - and if they wanted it... but it's not the kind of thing you can really "do anything" about.  It's this silent understanding that you just try and remind them, that they are not alone, and that you love them.
Jimmy was different though.  He never showed me his pain or his grief.  Which wouldn't be all that weird - because after all - I'm only an aunt.  But I'm learning that he really wasn't showing anyone anything that would lead them to believe that this was ever a possibility for him.  And yet, here we are.

Left with those dang questions in our head.  What could I have done?  How long did he feel this way?  Did he know that I would have done anything for him?

And then I'm left mourning for my sister again.  I am so impressed by her bravery and her courage.  She gets up every day, and shows her children that although she may not want to - you go on.  You don't think about it - just so that you can get through the day.  You bake, you cook, you clean - and you take care of everyone else.  You go to therapy, and you take your kids to therapy so that you can learn from things - so that you can face them head on, just so that you can continue to breathe.  She is honestly one of the bravest people I have ever known.

Janis, if your reading this.  I love you, and I pray for peace for your heart each and every day.  And you may not have all the same beliefs that I do - but I still ask God to lift this burden, to guide you, to hold you, and to remind you that you are not alone.  You have family, you have God, and you have me.  I pray that He watches over Marrissa and Jameson until we can all be together again.

***
If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide as an option... please get help.  You can call someone, tell them what you are thinking.  They can help remind you that tomorrow it will feel different... and that the hopelessness fades.  There is hope.

Jameson, I miss you.  Marrissa, I miss you.  Please watch over your family.

National Suicide Hotline