We can do it!

Ah Rosie...... who knew we'd be such kindred spirits?  This, my friends, is my new mantra!

Jaren is officially in Afghanistan.  And the long dreaded wait for his departure has come and gone.  Thank heavens too - because that goodbye ranks up there with one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  I am so grateful that I don't have to keep saying goodbye.  No we are just doing it!  No more waiting, and honestly, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

I am learning so much already.  First of all, I already knew this - but not like I do now...  I married the best man alive.  Honestly, I am just so thankful for him.  He is brave, courageous, and loving.  He is an excellent father, and watching him say goodbye to his little girls will stay with me for the rest of my life.  It was a sacred, and special time.

 

Secondly, I am learning that I am stronger than I thought.  I mean, there are those moments of absolute sadness, and where I just want to give into the "woe is me moment."  But overall, I'm already feeling that sneaking smile on my face.  The one where I know that I just might have a fighting chance of actually becoming one of those women that I have looked up to.  You know the ones - they face tragedy and hard things with bravery and courage.  They don't shrink at the fight... they get in there - get their hands dirty, and WORK!

I am seeing miracles in my life every day right now.  I know that I am being guided by the Lord's hand.  I have been given an extra allotment of patience.  I am not looking at the clock as much.  I am living with a peace, that thus far in my life - I have never known.  It is incredible... and I believe that it is truly God's hand in my life.  He has taken up the yoke and has eased this burden to the point where I can keep walking.

Alta and Mila are adjusting.  Alta asks for Daddy all the time.  Right before he left, he took the girls on a "Daddy duaghter date".  He took them to build-a-bear.  Alta picked out both of the bears, and they made them together.  He put a little recording in each of them, that tell them how much Daddy misses them, to take care of Mommy, and that he will be home soon.  They picked out little Army outfits.  Anyhow, needless to say, Alta hugs and kisses it all the time, and when she asks for Daddy - we have her go and get her bear.  She plays the recording, and then gives him a kiss.

Another thing that I have come to realize is how much I love my little family.  A good friend of mine taught me a saying that she uses with her children when their Daddy is at work, or gone.  She says, "Daddy is gone so that Mommy can be home and stay with you.  Isn't Daddy great?"  She turns it into a positive, and her kids think of their Dad as their hero.  It is awesome, and something I have adopted.  

Thus far, Jaren is doing well.  He too, is making the adjustment.  As hard as it will be for us to have Daddy gone, I need to remember that Daddy is away from all of his girls.  We pray for him to not be lonely.  We pray for his safety.  Alta said a prayer all by herself yesterday, and I'm pretty sure that it was what she was saying, because she repeated "Dadda" 5 or 6 times in that prayer.  

I am also grateful to be where I'm at right now.  It's hard to not be in Utah, with all the help and support that family and friends provide.  But I will say this:  My Army wives, and especially my fellow Church wives have been amazing.  It is just kind of understood here that you take care of each other.  So many people are in the same position (and many of them have done it multiple times before).  So you have this wealth of experience, knowledge, and camaraderie that wouldn't exist if I were in Utah.  I find that even my friends from Alabama are pitching in and making sure that we are okay.

The other nice thing about North Carolina is that these wives are amazing, so you don't get to stay in a pity party for long.  They do everything with a smile on their face.  They remind me of that woman I want to be, and help me to keep optimistic.

They say that the first two weeks of the deployment are some of the toughest.  I'm praying that this is true.  I'm hoping that I can continue with this momentum that is building in my life.

Jaren, I love you.  You are my hero.  You are the girl's hero too.  Years from now we will look back at this time, and thank God for the way that it has helped us to appreciate what we have.  We are so blessed, and I am already so grateful for this experience.  15 months will be long... but hey - it's already 14 1/2 now right?  We got this babe!  We can do it!

Jameson

This is my nephew Jameson.

I am writing this for my posterity, for my friends and family - anyone that is suffering - either from having thoughts of hurting yourself, or from surviving someone that has.

Jameson, joined my niece, Marrissa on June 3rd, 2011.  He took his life in the same way that his sister did 8 years ago.  And once again, I am left pondering the unanswerable "whys".

I grieve for my sister and her loss.  I didn't even come close to comprehending what she went through when Marrissa died.  At that point, I was too young and immature (or possibly, just not having had the experience of being a mother) to understand what she was going through.  I could really only internalize the grief as MY loss.  What it meant to lose MY niece.  This time around, I am struggling to connect with my own loss, because I just cannot fathom what my sister and her family are having to endure - and I'm still left feeling like I probably have no clue what it is that they are going through.  I have exactly two children at this point in my life.  It would be like both of them leaving.  I just can't bare the thought without my heart breaking for her.

I was present for Jameson's birth.  I was in high school, and thinking I wanted to be a Dr. at that point...  My sister decided to have Jameson at home, and was kind enough to allow me to be there.  I think she got a little more than she bargained for... because BOY WAS I THERE!  I was an active participant in that delivery, and it changed me for good.

In some full circle kind of moment, my sister asked me to speak at the funeral... and I got to stand as a witness of his life.  I am grateful for her allowing me to be a voice of the family memories of Jameson.  It will always be a special and sacred moment for me.

***
The problem with suicide is that it leaves so many victims.  It hurts so many people for so long.  Often times people's hurt goes far beyond what anyone is ever aware of.  You don't have to be a direct family member to have your world rocked by this kind of an event.  It changes you.  And if it is someone in your immediate family... well I can only imagine the pain is that much greater.
And there's the problem.  For years I have witnessed the struggles of my nieces and nephews with the loss of their sister.  I have stood by, hoping to help when anyone needed it - and if they wanted it... but it's not the kind of thing you can really "do anything" about.  It's this silent understanding that you just try and remind them, that they are not alone, and that you love them.
Jimmy was different though.  He never showed me his pain or his grief.  Which wouldn't be all that weird - because after all - I'm only an aunt.  But I'm learning that he really wasn't showing anyone anything that would lead them to believe that this was ever a possibility for him.  And yet, here we are.

Left with those dang questions in our head.  What could I have done?  How long did he feel this way?  Did he know that I would have done anything for him?

And then I'm left mourning for my sister again.  I am so impressed by her bravery and her courage.  She gets up every day, and shows her children that although she may not want to - you go on.  You don't think about it - just so that you can get through the day.  You bake, you cook, you clean - and you take care of everyone else.  You go to therapy, and you take your kids to therapy so that you can learn from things - so that you can face them head on, just so that you can continue to breathe.  She is honestly one of the bravest people I have ever known.

Janis, if your reading this.  I love you, and I pray for peace for your heart each and every day.  And you may not have all the same beliefs that I do - but I still ask God to lift this burden, to guide you, to hold you, and to remind you that you are not alone.  You have family, you have God, and you have me.  I pray that He watches over Marrissa and Jameson until we can all be together again.

***
If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide as an option... please get help.  You can call someone, tell them what you are thinking.  They can help remind you that tomorrow it will feel different... and that the hopelessness fades.  There is hope.

Jameson, I miss you.  Marrissa, I miss you.  Please watch over your family.

National Suicide Hotline

Let's play catch up

So it's time.  Time to play catch up, and get this blog back on track.  So much has happened, and unfortunately so much will be left out.  But I will try my best to just get things out (even if they don't flow all that well together!).

On May 6th, 2011 at 9:33 pm our precious little Mila Mairin Brooks was sent (on loan) to our family from Heavenly Father.  Let's just say that she was 9 days overdue, and boy was I getting impatient!  Her delivery was a DREAM in comparison to her big sisters.  I had to be induced again, but this time I had much more control over all the decisions, and ultimately ended up feeling very happy about how things went.  

Mila was born 8 lbs 10 oz.  She was 2 oz larger than her sister.  She was born at 21 1/2 inches long (same as Alta).

We were so surprised to see how much hair miss Mila had!  Because it was all wet, we weren't sure if it was red or not, but it was sure looking it.  A few hours, and Mommy was sure.  It took Dad weeks to be able to see the red in it... (and after all that money we spent on getting Jaren lasik, and he's still blind!)

There's no denying that Daddy is in love with his new little girl.  Alta's had him wrapped for years, but it only took a few seconds, and Daddy's heart grew some more.

 She looked so much like Alta when you put a cap on her.  I don't think she looks much like her sister now - but that might have to do with how much hair she has.

Mommy, is of course, in love!  Thank you Mila, for making this labor SO MUCH EASIER!  I don't even look like I've done anything.  Ahhh the miracle of the second baby!

Mommy Kisses

I just want to gobble these little toes up!

Daddy's girl already!

 So... lets just jump a few months and give ya a looksie.  She's growing up so fast!  Her hair turns more and more red each day.  It's like she was born with a dye job, and I'm just washing out everything but the red!  I love it.  She has really started smiling, and just like her sister, her little nose crinkles up when she smiles really big.  I love that crinkle in between her eyebrows when she smiles.  She also loves bath time.  Which just makes me so happy.  Nothing more fun to bathe a happy baby!

Speaking of baths, here's a child that's gonna need one.  Our own little "wild child" having her way with some watermelon.  Alta adores watermelon.  She would eat an entire one if we let her.  Mommy would not like the diaper repercussions the next day.. and so she has to learn moderation at a very young age.  Unfortunately for Mommy, Daddy likes to teach her indulgence!  "Look Mom, this watermelon is as big as my head!"

Get it girl!
 (Notice her little crinkle that she gets in between her eyebrows... same as Mila!)

 She does clean up pretty well though!  This is her first shot sporting pig tails in the back.  Her hair is getting so long.  It's got such a tight curl, that you can't really tell how long it is.  But when it's wet it's going past her shoulders in the back.

This summer we spent a good amount of time in Alta's kiddie pool.  She loves the water, and loves to splash.

She also likes giving her Mommy sassy looks.

Alta had fun with Cora in her pool too.  Add in a dog, and we are having a great time!

We had a trip to Utah in June.  It was originally scheduled for June 15th.  But on the 3rd, I got a call that I will never forget.  My precious nephew Jameson, 15, returned to Heavenly Father.  I will write a separate post about Jameson soon.

While in Utah, we blessed Mila.  She screamed the entire blessing.  Grandpa Brooks told Jaren that all he had to do was pinch Mila if he couldn't think of anything else to say.  I'm wondering if Jaren got confused and just pinched her before he started the blessing.  Poor little Mila!

Utah had some really fun times, including my first fourth of July parade!  I got to join right in with Alta and Mila in loving the floats.  I learned about the Brooks family tradition of throwing the candy back at the floats, and how much fun it is to just celebrate this wonderful country in this way.

Aunt Kara and cousin Kayden

God Bless America!

Alta giving her sister some love.

Alta and her Aunt Marci

Mila smiling for Kara

While in Utah, some of my good friends that I met in Alabama came to visit me.  Katie happened to be visiting from Texas to Utah, so she swung on down my way!  Kristen brought her kiddos and we had a fun time!  The running gang was almost back together!

We took the kids to Hoagle Zoo.  Alta had a great time, and was definitely more into it than ever before.  She had so much fun with her cousins!

We had a quick drop in with Summer and the Jenny's.  Love these girls,and it was awesome to see them.

Summer is hiding her belly, but we sure are excited for her little boy to arrive!

I don't know how it happened, but we didn't end up getting pictures with Kaybi (another friend that I met in Alabama, but now she lives in Utah).  But here I am  holding Kimber in the background.  Alta as you can see is telling us how delicious these oreo balls were.  YUM!

Amy (another friend from Alabama) drove 6 hours to see me.  I love my Army wives.  You don't get to see them for a year, and when we are back together it's like you've never missed a day.  Hey Amy, you wanna come over and scrapbook?

Unfortunately due to the family circumstances I didn't get a whole bunch of pictures with my family.  I did get this one sent to me from my sister Meghan, of Alta and her Aunt Siobhan. 

We stayed with Jaren's family, for over a month, and Alta got to spend a lot of time with her cousins (who were also living there).  A healthy competition for Grandma's attention developed with Alta and Koby in the center ring.  

This trip to Utah was unlike any of my others.  It was awesome to see family, but it was definitely overshadowed by sadness and loss.  The one thing it really did help to accomplish, was create a feeling of gratitude in my life.  I am so grateful to have been able to spend time with the ones I love.  I'm so very grateful for the people that made efforts to spend time with me.  Living far away is very difficult, especially since Utah will probably always feel like home.  But for those brief moments we get to share our lives together again - it is awesome!

See, Mila agrees!  

Oh wait, that wasn't what we were trying to say!  :)  This is: