I don't really know what has brought it on... but I have been thinking about Jaren's deployment in 2011. I have been contemplating that experience, and all the lessons I learned during it.
Maybe, it's because if we were still in North Carolina - Jaren would be prepping to leave again shortly. Maybe it's that I know some of our dear friends will be facing this journey again soon. Maybe it's that some of my dear friends are currently trudging through it as I type.
At any rate, I felt like I should do something with all of these feelings. And like some good thoughts do, they manifest into action. So I have decided to share with you a few things that I learned during that never-ending year. Keep in mind, this was just my experience.
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Prior to getting married, I told Jaren that I would only get married if he was getting out of the Army. I knew I wasn't an Army wife. I KNEW that I could never do a deployment. I KNEW that I never wanted to be seperated from my spouse for that much time, let alone, have them in a war zone.
Funny, how life works isn't it?
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This is Alta the night before Jaren was leaving. Nothing can prepare anyone for this experience. Let alone your dear, sweet, innocent children.
1. The 2-3 weeks prior to deployment, were, in fact, some of the hardest of the whole thing. At one point, I found myself running out of my house, and down the street crying. (Like a legitmate crazy person). I was running away. I didn't even have on shoes. I just had so much rage, and anger, and FEAR. I couldn't take it, and I couldn't stand that all I seemed to be doing was getting mad at Jaren. I was at the end of my street when I realized that I couldn't really go anywhere, and walked back home.
2. Watching your husband say goodbye to your children is harder than saying goodbye yourself. As Jaren tucked in Alta (18 months at the time) and Mila (3 months)... I couldn't believe that I was watching what I was watching. He really isn't gonna do this for another year? When I said goodbye... it was dreamlike. Surreal. ***And I had a BRILLIANT friend tell me that she didn't go to the hanger to say goodbye! I want to kiss this friend! Why drag out that painful experience before the break of dawn? We just went and picked up his car later on that day. We said goodbye in our home. I didn't have to watch all the other kids cry and wives hold back screaming babes, as they ripped fathers and mothers from children's arms. Nope. We said goodbye in our home. Our children were peaceful. He rocked them to sleep. And I got to say goodbye to him on my own, while the children slept.
3. The first day was actually a relief for me. Finally, it had started! We went running with some dear friends in the morning (like we did every day of deployment), and then my friends made us breakfast. But, I was just relieved to not have to dread it coming anymore. We were in it. This was our life. Here we go.
4. Weekends were hard. During the week didn't feel all that much different once I got used to it. But the weekends always were a challange. It was because that was when he WAS SUPPOSED to be home. I found that in order to stay sane, I had to do some planning for the weekends. Maybe it was a girls night. Maybe just a fun saturday somewhere. I needed SOMETHING to make it feel different from every other day. I needed something that changed up the routine just enough to lighten the load. And I found that I had to make plans with people that I could trust not to bail on me. In the regular world, changing plans from one weekend to another is totally normal and acceptable. But when you are living one week to the next and your whole week was spent thinking about getting out of your house for 2 hours by yourself... a friend that bails feels like they are crushing your will to go on. I can't explain how truly difficult that was. Midweek bail - fine, no problem. Weekend bail - consider yourself chopped liver.
Sunday, was hard because church makes me emotional on a good day. Mix in all the stuff that I was holding in that week - and it always seemed to find its way out on Sunday. Sunday was also an incredible day for me. Because each week, I was reminded to surrender my will.... let go... and remember that the Lord was in control. I could release my grasp again, and breathe. Also, I had the best church in the world as far as people that get where I was at. There were so many other wives doing the same thing, that people understood how to serve better. People knew what the needs were, and just acted. Crying baby? As I walked out with one, a member would go and sit with other child.
5. Scripture study and prayer TRULY became my life line. Perhaps I was so good at it during this period of my life, because my need was so intensely great. I didn't skip a single prayer... and found myself praying most of the day for good measure. I learned that this is how the Lord wants me to pray all the time. I felt more connected to the Spirit than ever before. I truly believe that I was surrounded by angels and that they ministered to me and my little family all the time.
Also, I got called to a very busy position with my church in serving our Young Women. At first, the task seemed like it would be very hard to accomplish... but soon I found that it was the Lord's way of planting my feet in the right direction. It became more of a gift than a task. It gave me purpose, it connected me with some of the most amazing women I have ever known, and it made it repeat every single week. If not for any other reason, it was a reason to stop thinking about my own needs, and to focus on people outside of my family. Not only that, but the women I worked with were spiritual giants. We became connected and rooted together, like a group Sequioa trees. Finding strength in our interconnected roots... withstanding anything that comes our way - and growing stronger as we move towards light and life.
6. Jaren did way more helping & cleaning that I ever knew. It's funny, you never realize how much a person is helping you until you don't have them around for an extended period of time.
7. Skype is a gift from God. I can't imagine what people have gone through in years past. I was actually able to see his blurry face, and hear his voice (sporatically). I think back to the days of snail mail, and weep for generations past.
8. Daily pictures of the girls became his connection to home. With children so young, there were so many milestones that he was going to miss. My heart ached for Jaren leaving his children behind. So in an effort to keep him connected, I took pictures of everything. I would send pictures and 53 second videos (this is the optimal length for sending a video without having to cut the video in half and do multiple emails). Still to this day, I can't seem to keep videos going past 53 seconds.
9. News is to be wactched intentionally. If your gonna watch the news, you have to know what your walking into. You have to mentally prepare yourself and brace yourself for impact. Haven't heard from your husband in a few days? I think I'll pass. Honestly, I can count on my fingers the numbers of times I actually watched the news while he was gone. Who wants to hear about an "unidentified helicopter crash in afghanistan" at a time like that? Not me.
I just went by the mantra, that no news was good news. If something happened, I knew who would be coming to my door. To sit up late at night thinking about it would just take out my sleep for the night... and with two redheads that never slept in all year... that's just a good way to create a hazardous workstation.
10. People that say things like, "Oh, but he's safe right? Because he isn't on the front lines?" don't understand what his job is, let alone yours. It's best not to take such statements personally. Equally disheartening comments like, "I thought the war was over!" or "Has anyone died?", are also just reflections of their education (or lack thereof) on the subject.
On the flipside, I found that there were people that were absolute angels of empathy. People that looked for opportunities to offer service, or support. My aunt Cindy and Uncle Paul were two of those people for me. I met Paul and Cindy once briefly living in Utah, and then again for the second time when we moved to North Carolina. By the time the deployment was over, I was calling Cindy, Momma Cindy.
Towards the middle of the deployment Cindy saw that it was taking it's toll on my abilities to cope. She saw that what I really needed was a break. And she gave me the single greatest gift I recieved during his absence. A break! A scheduled break! She and Paul took the girls for a weekend once a month. Now, not only did I have that weekend off, but I got to look forward to it for the rest of the month prior! (As I typed those words, the tears began to flow again... out of gratitude for exactly how much this helped.) Momma Cindy, I love you. The girls miss their Grandma Cindy and Unka Paul
11. I had no idea I would actually be able to make it. Really. I honestly doubted that at the beginning. But now I know I can. There is strength in that. There is peace knowing you can fix things on your own, and do things like sell cars by yourself. I had always been pretty independent prior to marriage, but I realized that in my marriage I had settled into depending on Jaren. Mostly for emotional support. But, gaining that independence again has helped me so much (current Korean adventure included), and it has helped our marriage.
12. Children follow your lead. They are remarkably resilient! If you choose to make each day an adventure, they follow your example. In our home, we adopted the idea that Daddy was our hero, and that he went to work so that Mommy could stay home and play with them. This is not to say that it wasn't hard on them having Daddy gone for so long. It was. But they were incredible. They had so much joy!
13. Deployments do, in fact, end. And reunions are the absolute best part of the whole ordeal. My soldier was one of the lucky ones that returned unharmed. I thank God for this every day. My life has forever been changed by this experience... and I find myself thinking again of those dear souls who's soldier did not return. Or did, but only to be so ravaged by PTSD, that they left this world and those that loved them.
I hope that people realize that there are still brave men and women making terrific sacrifices for our country. There are wives comforting crying children, that then have to comfort themselves. There are husbands explaining to children why Mommy is gone for so long... trying to just keep it all together.
And Afghanistan - it's still there. It is still a war. And although March 2014 was the first month on record since the war began that there were no American casualties, it is still a dangerous place to be.
Troops are still being deployed. To my NC Dustoff family. I'm thinking of you. I'm praying for you already. When your soldiers leave, I will continue to pray for your entire families. To my friend's already in their second, third, fourth (etc) deployment... I'm thinking about you. I love you. I appreciate your sacrifice, and I admire your ability to cope.
We made it through one. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. But there are people that have done it so many more times. You are my heros. You are my strength.
In the end, I am glad that the Lord saw fit to have my path include the title of Army wife. I have the most amazing husband in the world, and the most incredible family. This is one adventure that makes being together so much sweeter. It gives you confidence in the face of truly difficult challenges. And still to this day, when Jaren and I are sitting in the still and quiet moments... I find myself leaning over, touching his face... saying "Your here."
